Dating A Mature Woman

 

I’m dating again!!!

Wait. That didn’t come out quite as expected. I said it anyway.

See, I have not dated much in the past year. I use the term dating loosely to mean, actually going out to meet people at a restaurant or coffee shop, and not simply chatting on social media. Why was I not dating? Yes, I still look like fine wine! Yes, I still have an awesome personality! Yes, I get catcalls a lot! But jokes aside, here’s the real story: I just took time off the scene to reflect on my life, to date myself, to master the art of not going mad from loneliness, to learn how to be alone and not lonely and just basically to sink into my celibacy journey. Oh, also, try dating while on this (celibacy) journey. Tell me how that goes for you. It’s almost impossible y’all!

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this. I’ll tell you. A few days ago, I asked on my WhatsApp status how many people would like to read about dating mature women and surprisingly received some replies from people who were interested! Y’all know I’m no expert, right? No? I’m not sure if I’m even this woman but I know enough of them to write about it. Also, I have help writing it so it’s not entirely all my advice.

The disclaimer(s) :

  1. I’m no expert on issues of relationships
  2.  This is not a dating manual, it’s based purely on life experiences and hence could yield different results in different circumstances

Let us proceed.

Dating has become difficult these days. A friend told me that now people “just talk”. I’ve even come across situations where someone was asked if they were dating and they said, “I’m currently talking to someone”. Suffice to say, it’s a rocky uphill drive. It’s like trying to get a spike from a porcupine; the higher chances are that someone will get hurt, badly even, before anything really good or worthwhile comes out of it.

So, here are a few things that I think the men out there, who want to date, court and (eventually) marry need to know:

  1. Women are not always complicated. Stop trying to decipher her actions! If she’s mature woman, she’s done playing games and she’s done trying to get her man to read her mind. So, what does she do instead? She becomes painfully honest. It’s usually painful for you, the hearer of the message, and often even for her depending on how you respond to what she has to say. A good and open-minded and mature woman will often give thought to what she says to a man she cares for before she speaks up. She will often toil over her tone and wording and gestures and the ambience of a room before she delivers a hard message – especially about your flaws or those difficult must-have conversations like money and family and religion and sex (where applicable). Expect honesty from this girl because she’s been through a whole lot and she means well.
  2. Communicate! I don’t know how much I need to emphasize on this but COMMUNICATE! Now, if you’re dating a mature woman, it’s not a competition about who texts who first, or how many times you call or text and bla bla bla! It’s just about creating time for each other. I always say, we make time for what matters to us.

*soak in that point for a minute*

I know you expect me to say that she’ll understand you’re busy, or that you’re working for your future together, or that running a business is hard and time-consuming, or that she must know how ambitious you are, or that you are making up for all that time you’re not spending together by taking care of stuff (read: spending that money on her)… Whichever excuse you give as to why you can’t spare actual clock time, even on your lunch or bathroom break to check in, when it isn’t after 9 p.m… A day has 1440 minutes guys. I mean, she often only needs about 30-60 minutes from your 24 hour day. Is that too much to ask?

  1. Embrace vulnerability. The thing about laying yourself bare, opening yourself up so that the person you’re interested in can see right through you, the thing about it is that it’s scary. That’s why we’d rather hide our real selves from the world. We’re afraid of getting hurt. It’s a natural human response. It’s basic self-preservation. And if you’ve been an adult in the world long enough, you’ve been hurt. You’ve liked someone who didn’t like you back. Someone you didn’t like “that way” has left you feeling guilty. You’ve found love and lost it.
    So as a man dating a mature woman, you’ll need to be able to bare your soul to her. In spite of the blows that life has dealt you both. Be open and honest. Talk instead of running off to have a few drinks at your local. Fight the urge to yell or bully or manipulate. And also be prepared to call her out when you catch her doing the same things: running away from uncomfortable conversations, retreating because she’s afraid you’ll also leave, yelling or crying or throwing a fit to divert attention from the real issues and to shift blame.
    Brothers, for those of you considering marriage, consider this: the rest of your life is a looong time. It only makes sense to make the most of your relationship if it’s for life – a committed and intentional investment. So how better to do this than to be your real selves around each other, while compromising for your partner’s sake? Granted, trust take time, but practice over time will help you learn to be real and honest and, as a result, happier together.
  2. Invest yourself. You see how you put in the work in your business or at the office? That’s how intentional you should be about a relationship. Forget to take care of the little things and they’ll pile up and create a crack in the dam.
    The challenge for many of us is to show up, heart-on-sleeve without any of the shiny distraction like money and expensive gifts. What are you offering outside of “stuff”? Do you make time to talk? How do you behave when you’re both upset at each other or about a situation? How do you deal with a clash of major principles? What rules do you have about weekends/weeknights?
    The funny thing is that deciding between lazy weekends spent indoors and meeting up occasionally for a quick weeknight catch up is a delicate balance. It depends a lot on available time and resources, personal preference, work and holiday schedules, etc.
    However, open communication covers this issue well. Which is why we cannot talk enough in a relationship – any relationship, and not just the romantic kind. There’s always so much to learn.
  3. Consistency.  So, you know how it’s said actions speak louder than words? I absolutely agree with this statement. For this woman, the mature woman, you don’t have to keep telling her that you love her if your actions state otherwise. For her, you say something and you follow through, that’s how you keep her. Be consistent. If you love her, you will be kind with your words, your actions will be thoughtful, you will apologize and work on ensuring you don’t repeat offenses. One mark of the marks of maturity is progress and growth and reformation. Also, prove yourself to be trustworthy. Never give her a reason to doubt your intentions or your actions. This woman wants someone who is intentional and very clear about their feelings and their actions have to show it.

Basically, these are just a few things that I think are important and need to dictate an exclusive committed relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, just because it’s serious, does not mean that it’s boring. Have fun, do fun things and enjoy the journey.

This blog post is written with the immense help of my beautiful vulnerability partner @Sharon Ogugu. You can check out her amazing writing Here . Oh, and you should definitely check out her Instagram page; trust me you’ll be wowed and hungry too. Check it out Here.

Read. Comment. Share.

 

It’s a wrap!

P.S.: You can write on my blog for free, just slide into my DM here or here and you are allowed to write about anything , even anonymously.

Thank you for stopping by 🙂

 

 

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Insomniac Thoughts…

I’ve been thinking about my death more than I should lately. Maybe it’s because I lost a friend who was close to me and around my age.

Most times, I couldn’t even sleep till around 4am. Yeah, it’s that bad. OK, maybe it’s just insomnia, and a few TV shows now and then… Although for someone who celebrated her birthday just recently, you’d think I would be thinking more about life and the fullness of it, but no, my brain picked death.

When I lost my friend, I remember that Friday. I sat in my bedroom for a minute and I struggled to breath, because sudden death does that to you, and I shed tears, I couldn’t hold back! She was a special person, she was an amazing person.

Anyway, days before her funeral, there were all this Facebook posts from friends and family, all describing her and moments of her life and it was clear, she had done her life right. That’s when I started to imagine what people would say about me when I was gone. I know we live by the rule of ‘don’t listen to what people say about you’, but in death, do you have a choice? It was all beautiful for her, and at that moment, I started to think of my death, and as creepy as that sounds, that day will come, for all of us! In fact, I’ve stopped worrying the possible ways in which I’d die, because that’s not up to me!

In retrospect though, I just turned 26 and I decided upon a few things. See, as much as I live by the vulnerability rule of show up and be seen, I still have issues with it, because sometimes, I’m not brave enough to. So, when my brain took me on a thinking tour, I was reminded of how I’ve lived my life.

I don’t know if you relate, but I know I’m a victim of thinking and staying prepared for the worst and being pleasantly surprised when we get the best. You don’t know what I’m talking about? When you go for a job interview and see that you’re the least possible candidate but then be happy when they call you for the job? Or when you meet someone nice but you think the worst of them and embrace them when they turn out to be nice people? Or, when you live in worry and doubt that you’re surprised when things go well?

I’ve been subscribed to that kind of life before, I know that life! Until I lost my friend! And now, now I want to choose life, I want to choose me! I want to wake up and go out without worrying what that day will bring. For the records though, those of us who live like this, it’s not because we believe we don’t deserve the best of life, it’s because we forebode joy. Joy is the most vulnerable feeling for us. When we are happy, that’s our most vulnerable time. We believe in the ‘too good to be true’ theory, not because we feel like we don’t deserve good things but because it’s our defense mechanism to the hurt and disappointments of life!

But I’m 26, I’m not dead, and I pray I won’t be for at least many years to come, but if I die, I want to be remembered as the happy go lucky girl, the girl who did not let a happy moment pass her by, the girl who lived fearlessly and loved abundantly! I can’t be a coward of life! I refuse to be a coward of life, to live afraid of everything that could possibly go wrong, but rather, to live each day like it’s my last, to get home at the end of the day and feel that I lived the hell out of that day, to love my daughter so much my heart could explode, to spend each moment I can with friends and family and most of all, BE HAPPY!

I want to be happy and grateful for every small thing in my life. I’m choosing what makes ME happy, because I want to teach those around me, to live like that!

Lastly, I think I’ve said this before…. ALLOW YOURSELVES TO FEEL! We have many different feelings that can ruin our lives, if it’s worth it, feel every bit of it, be it hurt, be it loneliness, be it happiness whatever it is, feel it and then move on… If you keep feelings bottled up, they explode inform of anger and bitterness and that mainly explains the negativity that is in this world. You know, those people who never see anything good in life, they just worry, say negative things and just go around ruining everything. Please, you don’t have to be those people. Trust me, that’s not even a way you want to live your life!

So, remember, we can’t stop death or even prevent it, so we live, be happy and stop worrying!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

High On Sex…..

In the quarter century that sums up my life, I’ve been pursued by men, but only two who made it absolutely clear that all they wanted from me was sex.

With the first one, it never happened, although the sexual tension between us is greater than the space around us every time I see him. For the record, this has ensued since my campus days, so we’re talking of about 8 years of this mess.

The second guy was so direct about his intentions that I thought it could only be a prank. But it wasn’t.

In both of these cases, was I offended? No! In fact, I felt respected as compared to other encounters where a guy pursued like Jacob for 7 years and after the sex, would cut his losses and leave me with all manner of insecurity and brokenness.

You’re probably wondering why I chose to share my sex life with the world, I’ll explain.

See, sex is not that topic we sit around tables over coffee or drinks and talk about. At least not often and not easily. It’s the one topic you’d introduce in a forum and have the room go silent unless it’s in a bar and everyone is properly drunk and it becomes like a pissing contest.

The other day when I introduced the topic in a Whatsapp forum for Christian ladies. The few ladies who commented only agreed that it was one of our greatest weaknesses, even as Christians. I proceeded to say that we needed to talk about it. One of the ladies asked “How?” and I quickly responded as follows:
“Let’s start with why we have sex even when we know it’s sin. Is it the pressure to have sex when in a relationship? Or is sex a mask which covers up our insecurities? If sex is taken off the table, how many relationships will survive?”
The list of questions in my mind went on and on even when I was done with typing.
Sex is not like chicken pox which presents with symptoms after exposure. Of course the common saying of ‘girl, you’re glowing!’ is the modern version of ‘the sex must be good!’ yet for some of us it’s just that we’re drinking our water religiously, eating fruits and vegetables and exercising! The Christian world has often been keen on pointing fingers at others and forgetting the trouble at home.

I digress.

Unless you get pregnant or catch an STI, no one, but you and the person you’re getting with knows about the sex you’re having. When you get pregnant, especially out of wedlock, the question everyone would want to ask out loud but won’t is “So you’ve been having sex?”. Until then, all we do is see two people together, giving off signals of enjoying some physical intimacy and we think to ourselves, “There’s definitely something going on there.” So, I’m telling you about my sex life because someone needs to say something.

Growing up, I don’t think there was anything more taboo than sex. It was not to be spoken of, leave alone practiced, or else the wrath of God would come upon you in full force. Then, you turn 18, move away to campus, live by yourself or share a room at a hostel. You meet a beautiful girl and you start dating. On one fateful night, you go ‘raving’, get drunk, go back to your room because it’s has the minimum staggering distance from the club and you have sex. It’s the first time for both of you. Little do you know that you have started a journey. I’ve told many people I meet, who are brave enough to talk about sex, that it’s like a drug. And they agree with me. In fact, I think sex addiction is as bad as, if not worse than, drug addiction. There’s no evil less wicked or greater than the other, but I know sex to be addictive. Very addictive. So, after the first time, or maybe the second because the first is always awkward and uncomfortable, you’re hooked. Yet most of us don’t know it until it has happened a couple of times. By the second or third time, you’ve likely read up a bit (or a lot) on matters pertaining to sex. You’ve checked out websites talking of ‘how to spice up your sex life’ or ‘how to please your partner in bed’ and now your mission becomes to give and get the best sexual experience possible. Funny though, that most relationships don’t last beyond the first sexual encounter. How many people do we know you lost/gave their virginity to someone they’ve stayed in a committed relationship with? With the exceptions of some marriages, the statistics are not in our favour.
You move on though, amidst some self doubt. You also gain some confidence because you’ve actually “been there and done it”. You start to think that maybe you should have done that thing you read about on the internet. You decide that you’ll try it on the next girl/guy and on to the next you go. In no time, you have a list with messages like “you were great last night” and “there’s that thing you do with…” and “I can’t wait to see you tonight”. You start thriving off the validation of the attention. It gets you high, you become conscious of your body, you dress to turn on men, you shelf all the self doubt and you forget the fire your pastor warned you about if you ever did the do.

Sex, my dear friends is an all time high. Research has even been done and said that those who have sex are happier than those who don’t (Google it). Sex has been justified so much, some saying that it’s better to have sex than to have the need of it control you. Having regular sex has even been linked to improved immunity and happiness. Having been sexually active before, I can tell you I’ve been on that high. I know I really don’t have to explain it to many of you, because many of us, more than we’re likely to admit are sexually active – some of us from a really young age.

The other day, a friend I haven’t spoken to in years, messaged me. After catching up he openly admitted to me that he has a sex addiction. Knowing him from back in the day, I was genuinely surprised by the news. He was a good kid and the last person I would have expected to be sexually active. So, knowing the struggle of being sexually high, I was very receptive of his admission and even as I requested to use his story for this piece, all he asked was that I would be understanding. These were his very words: “Sex massages one’s ego. Good sex makes you feel like an achiever… Seeing a lady that vulnerable and giving her orgasms makes one feel like you just conquered kingdoms”. This is the high I spoke about earlier and it goes both ways – for men and women. My friend has made a conscious decision to fight his addiction and I’m here to support him and whoever else is bold enough to take this step. I couldn’t be more proud of him and that’s why I wanted to mention about his struggle.

Personally, a while back, I decided to start my sexual purity journey, I didn’t even believe I’d do it because it was mainly in support of my best friend who was going through a rough patch after a fling. When I shared my plan with another close friend, she laughed it off, saying she’d have to see if I could last. Not because I’m very sexually active – or as we call it these days, easy – but because she knew my story. In the five years I’ve not been in a committed relationship, I’ve had a few sexual encounters in that frame of time, without the label of “commitment” attached. For me, I was filling an emptiness, a struggle with my inadequacy, some loneliness and basically a need to connect with someone. Sex fills those gaps particularly well and that right there is the perfect condition for the development of an unhealthy habit.

The thing though, is that this only goes for so long. By the time I got to the point where I felt that something was wrong, it wasn’t so much because my friend said she was going on a sexual lent and I was joining her in solidarity. Rather, it was when I mentioned it to the guys on my chats and inbox who were particularly interested in me sexually. At first, they persisted. After seeing that I was adamant, my phone went quiet real fast. My inbox now mainly comprises family and church groups, my meme sharing partners and conversations with people I’m in touch with about job vacancies. The “when can you come over for lunch?” and “where are you?” and “what are you up to this weekend?” and “can I pick you up?” texts are long gone .

Has it been as rosy as it may sound? No way! In fact, sometimes I almost send the “can you pick me?” and “are you home?” texts myself. Especially on cold nights when friends are busy or I think I’m in need of some validation. But then I remember where I will go back to if I hit ‘send’. I think of the morning after. The Sunday sermon after that. The long wait for a “Have a good day” text which will never come. Sometimes I’ll flirt with a guy, because I miss male attention and every other seemingly good thing that came with sex, but my alarm bells now know when to ring. And slowly but surely, I’m learning to listen and back away.

Now, there is a purpose to my new journey because I know that it’s not just me who understands the struggle. My friend admitting to the sex addiction struggle couldn’t have come at a better time, because I’m now bold enough to speak and reach out to the others like us who want to reach out but are barred by their shame, by fear of judgement or just fear itself. My friend will be writing his story here soon, so be on the look out for that. For now, I refuse to be silent anymore! I’m walking out to the arena and letting myself be seen, because I’m sure I’m not alone, and if it’s just me and this friend, please pray for us!

Very soon and likely in next post, I’ll speak about how my sexuality has affected my spirituality and my walk with God but as of now, please reach out if this speaks to you. You don’t have to have sex to be a real man/woman.

Terrific Two!!

Time check:0215hrs

I was just on Facebook a while ago and I was reminded that on a day like this two years ago, I put up my first post on this blog. God knows the vision I had for it then, and still have now, was great, beautiful and probably just needs to be kept alive. So, I wrote. Then about ten posts down I haven’t written in a long time. Which reminds me, Happy New Year my readers.

So, to celebrate my blog, I want to share. I don’t know precisely what, but mainly about my writing. Well, maybe also talking too much, and thinking I can order it into paragraphs and share it with the world.

Most of you that come here know me personally. Some say I’m bubbly, always smiling, confident, amazing to be around. And for those who have gone to greater lengths to be honest, you have said that I talk too much and, as someone once even told me to my face, I know too damn much and it’s intimidating. To be honest, I like walking into a room and making people comfortable. I hate awkwardness and tension, so I read. I read about everything. I watch lots of “how to” videos and movies and documentaries from different times and cultures, and basically just do whatever it takes to be knowledgeable about things just so that I never have to be awkward or tense in new environments.

I digress.

When people notice me, they don’t SEE me. “What do you mean?” you ask.

I’m that girl who walks into a room, probably gets a few stares and relaxes people with a warm smile. This girl is the one everyone greets with a smile and a tight hug. Then they proceed to comment about her fluffy natural hair – an obvious statement of some kind – or those cute flats or about that post I put up on Instagram. She’s the girl who starts a conversation which is easy for her to do because she has enough ice breakers to last her through small talk and maybe serious deep conversations beyond the weather or newspaper headlines. She’s the girl who has people around her talking about how admirable and sweet she is. She looks put together.Oh, I’m the kind of girl who you can call for a fun night out or because you need to talk. Hell I’m not complaining, in fact, because all these things have a special place in my self-confidence compartment. It feels good to be that sort of person.

Am I pitching myself for a date? So what if I am! Hahaha!

Ahem.

All I know is, that’s the girl everyone notices. When you notice something, it’s usually out of your mind in a few minutes and you move on to the next noticeable thing which could even be a dull table cloth or a passing car. Or a cute cat video or meme.

So, is there a point to all this? Yes, so please stick with me.

Maybe what I want is for you all to SEE me. That’s why I started this blog. I wanted people to see me for the awkward black girl I am; for people to see a girl turn her vulnerability into strength. I want anyone who comes by here to be seen, to be heard in every story I tell, not for people to ask whether I’m oversharing. Because all I know is how to share. When the need to talk to someone or tell someone what is going on inside comes to me, all I can do is share what I’m feeling. I want people to see past my smile and the masks I wear and just see me for a girl who has a vision to make the world a less awkward place and a place that is more than just bearable enough to live in.

I want people to share my journey with me and to mostly be encouraged by it and get a little embarrassed by our silly similarities. I want to liken myself to Brene Brown when she says that she only started drinking because she needed to do something with her hands when all the other girls at the table got asked to dance. I want to tell you all that I met a tall, handsome man or had the most incredible first date, or maybe that I cried myself to sleep – without sounding weak, pathetic, bourgeoisie or whatever our opinions seem to be towards raw emotion. I want to talk about love and not have everyone go ‘that doesn’t exist anymore’ or ‘that only happens in movies’. I want reality, deep and bold.

I want to be vulnerable and not have the world point fingers at me for it in judgment. I want to tell my story, nothing held back, and not to have it used against me but to have it make something or someone different. I want to bare my soul and maybe push a button in someone to be different, courageous and stronger.

However, it’s very likely that the world, no, YOU are not ready to SEE me. And that right there kills the purpose of this blog. We all want what’s comfortable, so we settle for it. Whatever shakes us to our core is labeled as ‘oversharing’ or ‘talking too much’ or whatever you want to call it. So we quiet our voices and sit still and conform, we speak less, we write less genuinely and we’re careful enough to remain unnoticed, to not be seen.

So, maybe the world is not ready for me. I choose to fight though. Even if it boils down to being the only one visiting this blog. I will have told my story and let you SEE me. Because I refuse to be just noticed.

So as this page turns two today, 24th March 2017, I’ll take it as a sign of my coming to birth. I will take it upon myself to be a symbol of change,  an ambassador of vulnerability and a sign of love. I refuse to suffer and rejoice alone because I made a promise to use this platform to tell me my story and that’s what I will do.

So, happy terrible/terrific two to this platform. It’s going to be OK.

If you saw on my Facebook, I wrote:

“I wonder for how much longer we’ll use money, power, sex and more popularly now, comedy to fill our empty souls!!! We refuse to be vulnerable, in fact, we refuse to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it’s weakness, they say, so let’s keep at it and soon, love will be just a word!!! Because there can not be love without vulnerability! 
#DeepThoughts
#VulnerabilityIsNotWeakness
#GiveLoveAChance
#PreachLove
#BeVulnerable

In conclusion it’s 0314hrs now, and I’m yawning so I’ll publish this and read it in the morning like I’m also a reader.

Let’s see how terrible and/or terrific the twos will be to us!

Goodnight, world.

 

You’re ugly Pt.2

Well, hello my good people. I know it’s been forever, three months to be exact, and you probably forgot about this second piece of You’re Ugly!!!! Pt. 1 and it’s taken quite sometime to do it because I didn’t know exactly what to write and maybe I’m not sure yet, but flow with it people, LOL, just because.

So in the past few months, I have really struggled with so much. I have a lot of good experiences too so I’m not complaining. I choose to keep going besides it all because owning my story gives me the right to write the ending.

From the story I gave you before, it was clear that I still have issues believing that I am enough and that I’m worthy of love and belonging and I know from your responses that I am not alone and that encouraged me to keep going but most of I learned a very valuable lesson that I am practicing and I want you to together with me, to FORGIVE MYSELF .

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One thing about me, is that I love to see the best in people, so I forgive very easily. I practically mended every relationship and situation in my life that may have been through a rocky patch. I apologize for things I have not even done, I have given people second chances even when people who care about me thought that those people did not deserve them. I cannot bear the burden of a grudge. That comes at a cost because it means that I’m very trusting, I trust easily and I love hard and that also means that I hurt a lot too. Along the way, as I tell my friends and that ‘m telling you today, is that you have to allow yourself to hurt, cry if you have to, vent as much as you need to, talk about your hurtful situation as much as you can and eventually you get over it.

Anyway, I digress. Most of us, including myself have felt so ugly inside due to our past and even judged and condemned ourselves. Like that is not enough, the world we live in especially with social media, it is even worse because everyone is very judgemental and we are all pointing fingers at each others ugliness so that we don’t face our own. We are posting only our ‘perfect’ lives on social media mostly to cover our ugliness. We are all ugly in one way or another. That does not necessarily mean that it is the only story we need to tell, no, in fact it only means that through our ugliness we should bring out beauty and most of all, the glory of God.

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Today, I want us to forgive ourselves for everything we think is ugly in us. First, off we need to identify what we know is ugly in us, the sins, the self doubt, the lack of trust in God, for not thinking we are enough, for not thinking we are worthy,the bad decisions we’ve made and you name it all and after, we need to talk to ourselves and say ‘I forgive myself’. You know  the truth is, unless you let it go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you will not move on.

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Proverbs 11:27 says that anyone can find the dirt in someone. Be the one that finds the gold. Begin with yourself, see the gold in you. Forgive yourself because had you not made the mistake you did, you would not have learned, you wouldn’t have grown and discovered how strong you are. Forgive yourself not once, again and again. Do it in the evening and recommit yourself the next morning.Don’t be be so damn hard on yourself, yeah you screwed up, yeah, you are not perfect. Fine. You’ve learned your lesson and you will keep learning because you’re breathing.

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I would like to remind us all a few verses that we hear but I do not think we understand how deep and fulfilling they are. Lamentations 3:22-24 That His, God’s, grace and mercies are new EVERY morning!!!!! And secondly 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His grace is SUFFICIENT and that His Power is made perfect i weakness. Finally Romans 3:23 that we have ALL fallen short of the glory of God. This is love redefined, that God does not measure his grace in proportion of how much ugliness s in our lives, that don’t matter AT ALL, every other morning, the grace is new and the mercy and it is sufficient, it is ENOUGH, He is enough and you are enough too!!!

So, do not for one day look at the mirror or inside yourself and think you are ugly, or let other people tell you so. Forgive yourself for these thoughts and for not knowing better, for not believing in yourself, and for not knowing what you learned, IT IS OKAY! Let’s all refuse to be ugly anymore but let our beauty shine and show, and let God use us for His glory. Relax. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are living and learning. Forgive yourself and grow from the experience. The Devil knows you by name but calls you by your sin but God knows your sin and calls you by your name.

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Finally, tell yourself every morning and every minute till you believe it, that I AM ENOUGH, I AM WORTHY AND MY STORY IS BEAUTIFUL BESIDES THE UGLY PAST!!!!!

Adios.

Be blessed.

Kiki.

 

P.S.

  • If you have a story you need to share, I can post it here so DM me on my e-mail and lets learn together!!!! mercykkimani@gmail.com is my email address.
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You’re Ugly!!!! Pt. 1

I remember it all like it was just yesterday…… My first boyfriend, my first love, my first heartbreak. I was young, naïve and in love, and before I knew that this could be one of the worst three characters to have in a human being, especially a girl, it was too late. He had stopped texting, calling and showing up and with the little wisdom I had gathered on the streets, in my first year in campus, it meant it was over. It hurt so much. He had picked someone else, someone better than me, probably someone with more city experience, more fun, more sophisticated and wore dresses and heels, which I didn’t, which then had only meant one thing; I was not GOOD ENOUGH for him. Probably, not sexy enough, not intelligent enough, not mature enough, not what he wanted for a girlfriend, or simply just not enough for him. It hurt because I thought I was all that, looking at my life as I had written earlier about fitting in I Know Who I Am, I thought I was GOOD ENOUGH, but this, the heartbreak, only taught me, at a tender age that maybe good enough, was not enough.

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Fast forward to the next boyfriend and the next male friends who tried getting close, I reserved my feelings. I dated the one who wouldn’t fully commit because all I could think about was the day he would wake up and open his eyes and see that I wasn’t good enough. I always saw the ending of the relationship that I didn’t enjoy it while it lasted.

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My second relationship begun in a weird way, and he was a bad boy (men who barely show emotion, 80% of the time they cheat, they are flirts, they are honest, and commitment is not a word they can define nor spell, nor know what it would entail, I call them 50 shades of messed up). I stayed in this relationship because I was afraid of being alone, because I thought that was what I deserved, because I thought he would never find anyone who sticks around without EVER hearing the words “I Love You”, or being taken on a proper date, or being introduced to his friends as his girlfriend, or worst of all, anyone who’d stick around if they knew he was sleeping around. I stayed because I had not been good enough for the guy I would have called a ‘good guy’. I stayed. Thinking I was GOOD ENOUGH for him with all my compromises, he cheated on me, I know it was expected, but then, he didn’t even notice my effort. At this point, for women, you are messed up, you are so messed up inside that even if the world tells you you’re pretty, and deserve to be happy, the opinion of those two or three or five or even just that one is the only one that’s engraved in capitals in your brain.

Fast forward, I gathered the little courage I had left and decided that I could try, maybe one more time and find better, the better my friends and family had told me I deserved. And my oh my, he came in a suit. He was perfect, a gentleman, tall, handsome, chocolate, he was funny, intelligent and so fun to be around. Ours was like a match made in heaven. He was sweet, he did everything that the others had never done. He took me on dates, talked to me first thing when I woke up and the last voice before I slept. He made me realize that there was BETTER. He made me realize that you never know what you’re missing till you have it. It was a perfect match!!! I saw my our future in this man and he made me laugh and he listened, which my dear men, is a combination that women can fall for any day.

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Eight months into our escapades, or situationship, as they’ve been baptized lately, and my first well celebrated Valentine, with a date, chocolate and a rose later, I gave him the “big” news, I had missed my period! It was big news or rather breaking news, because it broke him from the kind man to someone I had never gotten to know. He stopped calling, took long hours to reply my texts, and in short, I was going to be a single mother. Not the best of news for your parents and society and most of all, to myself, a 21 year old girl. I was back to square one, NOT GOOD ENOUGH and a new title, PREGNANT. Now this, this is the mother of all combinations of character ever.

I choose not to talk about this because everyone saw the jovial, ever smiling young girl in me, holding my baby bum and all the comments I got were “you look so beautiful” you’re so courageous” “aaaaaaawww,you’re glowing” and so much more. Truthfully though, I cried myself to sleep every night because I could not comprehend how I would become a good enough mother, if all the social scenery in my life was ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’.

It’s been about four years since I was on a proper date, February 14th 2012 to be exact.

I am not telling all this publicly because I’m seeking pity, or traffic to my blog, or validation from all ye my faithful readers that I deserve better, NO, it’s because I know so many of us are struggling with this. They tell us that we shouldn’t be defined by the likes on our Facebook or Instagram photos, what they do not tell us is that it feels so damn good to you got more than the usual 10 or 6 likes! They tell us that we should ignore the person who calls us ugly and they forget to tell you that that’s all that your brain will remember. They tell us that we are good enough but forget to tell us what is this good enough?! We are told to forgive and forget our past and forget that you cannot easily forget the past’s three names, his age and phone number because you mastered them better than your exams.

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Through all this, I am still work in progress. I am not sure that I am ready to put myself out there and be vulnerable to getting hurt or just risking getting the feeling of not being good enough for someone ever again, but I am willing to try. I am willing to try because I KNOW, I AM ENOUGH! Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

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In conclusion, just because someone failed or is still failing to see the value in what you can create or achieve doesn’t change its worth or ours. Believe you are enough, look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself I AM ENOUGH till you believe it. You are imperfect but you are enough! Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead says “Be vulnerable, let yourself be deeply seen, love with your whole heart, practice gratitude and joy….be able to say ‘I am thankful to feel this vulnerable because it means I am alive’, and believe ‘I am enough’. You are worthy of love and belonging”.

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I recommend this book for y’all. Reading it changed me, in a challenging but amazing way.

 

 

P.S: I  have missed you all so much, happy new year 🙂

Thank you to Evelyn for reminding me of how much i love doing this!

Pt 2 coming soon!!!!

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LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX!!!!!

Hey beautiful people? It’s been a minute right there…. Well, quite long I know but voila, here I am. Well, just to catch you up on my life, which I know is not necessary, but welcome to me hahaha. I turned 24 years old on the first day of this month and I promise, that’s my actual age and turning 24, and being a mother, daughter, sister and friend has taught me a lot, as my little brother said to us this morning, in our family Whatsapp group that age comes with responsibility. I realized too, that I can be a better person and shut out what people who do not matter have to say, well I did that at 21 when i got pregnant, but it’s becoming more action than words as I grow up. Anyway, I know you already wondering why I’m still writing about myself instead of getting to the point. I know, very provocative title, right?

In my childhood, The Bold and the Beautiful was the only soap opera that existed, or at least that’s all I knew, and it came on TV after news and see, we knew it was taboo to watch it because immediately it started we would be told to go to bed. We of course obeyed because mum had spoken but weren’t we all curious? Well, I was really curious. So we grew up, and remember that Trust advert with “Let’s talk about sex babie, let’s talk about you and me……” you know it? We all walked away and tried doing something like clear the table just to get away, because just the name ‘SEX’ was like a taboo. Same reason we couldn’t watch The bold because it had sex scenes.

Fast forward to the 21st Century to where everything, including a simple oil advert is just about sex. Do I need to mention the songs, movies, books, free porn websites, homosexuality, I mean, everything is all about sex. Well I do not want to focus on this because it is a societal issue that I could write so much about. What I want to discuss is the issue of people assuming and acting like sex is just sex and can be just that. Why i call it assuming is because we have become so careless about each others emotions and we think it is OK, NO it is not!

Well, I’m no biology expert, and I’m not about to explain how sex is an emotional affair because it is triggered by Oxytocin or whichever hormones there are, and how the hormones are only in women and hence women are emotionally attached to sex. This does not even matter because it’s emotional both to men and women.  And I’m not going to even tell you not to have sex because that, is a choice I can not make for you.

The conversation I want to have with you is one of thinking of sex as just not an orgasm, but as connection, not as a thing everyone is doing but something you do because you want to. Think of it as something you want to do because you are ready for the consequences, not because you are afraid of catching an STD or STI or being pregnant but you do it anyway. Think of it as the one thing your mother, friend , pastor or sister told you not to do, because they knew what they were saying, rather than what that girl/boy that you like and want to please says it is. Think of it as the one thing you want to do with someone who you will spend all your life with, than with someone who will not reply your messages or call for two weeks or until the next sex date. Think of it beyond what society has told you and shown you about it. Think of it as what our parents could not even talk about, or could not explain why you wouldn’t watch The Bold and the Beautiful, and most of our parent still cannot talk about.

Sex is good, but can we, for a minute or for the rest of our lives stop pretending and discuss how women want to have sex because he has a fat pocket, or how men say they like you just to have sex with you, and how women will say it’s just sex while they are dying deep down wishing it was just more than sex? Don’t even forget how we seem to believe that there is something like Friends With Benefits, while even in the movie they discovered it was more than that? You know how we say that we are not sexually satisfied and that gives us a reason to sleep with another person with whom we find satisfaction outside our relationship? And should I even begin on how we lead each other on and then say it’s not like that? Do not even get me started on the lies that we tell just to have sex and then after tell her/him ‘It’s just sex, grow up’! And you know how we are shamelessly having sex with married people and telling the world that ‘mwanaume/mwanamke ni wako akiwa kwa nyumba’? And women, who ever lied to us that having sex with a man will make him fall in love with you?

Why are we pretending like it is just sex while we all know it is not? Why are we mocking God and enjoying it? And even if it is not about God, would you want someone to have sex with your daughter or son because it is just sex? Is our conscience so eaten away and corrupted that we find it OK to just have sex because all the world is selling to us is sex, and because we are told that to men sex is physical while to women it is emotional? And who said a relationship cannot survive without sex because I am sure we all know a couple that waited till marriage to have sex and they are happy? When did saying you are a virgin become such a shameful thing? When did telling your friends about all the women/men you are having sex with become such an ego booster? Why do we have to use words like ‘I love you’ so inappropriately or ‘I miss you’ just to have sex? Why do we have to reduce someone to sleepless nights wondering what they did wrong because you did not call them or even text after sex?  When did the title ‘side chick become such a good thing?

Why can’t we see that we are hurting each other over things we can avoid? It is said that a clear conscience is the softest pillow you can sleep on, is yours clear or do you have your sexual demon haunting you? Are you happy because you had sex with her/ him and added another one to your list? Are you proud of yourself for his/her sleepless nights while they sit thinking what is wrong with them or why they let you in? Are you happy that a wife somewhere stays up late while waiting for her husband, while you in a hotel room having sex with him? Have we so little respect for relationships and marriages anymore? Has sex become so meaningless that we do not care who we have it with as long as we are using protection and we get what we want? Is that what God intended sex to be?

I have been hurt just because I had sex with someone, I have sat and cried for hours just because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I have been lied to just so that he could have sex with me. I have regretted having sex and so have many of you. Do we have to go through all this, NO. This post is not to judge you because I have been through it too. Until when though, shall we worship sex when our God reminds us that We shall not worship any other gods but Him? Our children are watching and learning, will you want a man to have sex with your daughter and call her a whore? Would you want someone to take advantage of your child and lead them to depression? Would you want your child or sibling to bleed to death on an abortion table? Would you want your daughter or sister to lay in bed late at night crying over a boy and wondering what she did wrong? Would you want someone to break your child’s marriage? Would you want your sister or daughter to be someone’s side chic? Would you teach your son to have sex with as many girls as he would because it will boost his ego? Will you be the dad that teaches his sons that women are just sex objects because that’s all you’ve treated them like? Something needs to change, and I do not know how many of you my dear readers are with me on this , but  I will change. It is sad to see our young teenagers being involved in orgies, children as young as 9 being found in clubs, and it’s all in the way we bring them up. Let’s be the change we want to see because SEX IS NOT JUST SEX.

This blog post was inspired by a video i watched on YouTube this morning, check it out:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ir2e29IKLYw