I’ve been thinking about my death more than I should lately. Maybe it’s because I lost a friend who was close to me and around my age.
Most times, I couldn’t even sleep till around 4am. Yeah, it’s that bad. OK, maybe it’s just insomnia, and a few TV shows now and then… Although for someone who celebrated her birthday just recently, you’d think I would be thinking more about life and the fullness of it, but no, my brain picked death.
When I lost my friend, I remember that Friday. I sat in my bedroom for a minute and I struggled to breath, because sudden death does that to you, and I shed tears, I couldn’t hold back! She was a special person, she was an amazing person.
Anyway, days before her funeral, there were all this Facebook posts from friends and family, all describing her and moments of her life and it was clear, she had done her life right. That’s when I started to imagine what people would say about me when I was gone. I know we live by the rule of ‘don’t listen to what people say about you’, but in death, do you have a choice? It was all beautiful for her, and at that moment, I started to think of my death, and as creepy as that sounds, that day will come, for all of us! In fact, I’ve stopped worrying the possible ways in which I’d die, because that’s not up to me!
In retrospect though, I just turned 26 and I decided upon a few things. See, as much as I live by the vulnerability rule of show up and be seen, I still have issues with it, because sometimes, I’m not brave enough to. So, when my brain took me on a thinking tour, I was reminded of how I’ve lived my life.
I don’t know if you relate, but I know I’m a victim of thinking and staying prepared for the worst and being pleasantly surprised when we get the best. You don’t know what I’m talking about? When you go for a job interview and see that you’re the least possible candidate but then be happy when they call you for the job? Or when you meet someone nice but you think the worst of them and embrace them when they turn out to be nice people? Or, when you live in worry and doubt that you’re surprised when things go well?
I’ve been subscribed to that kind of life before, I know that life! Until I lost my friend! And now, now I want to choose life, I want to choose me! I want to wake up and go out without worrying what that day will bring. For the records though, those of us who live like this, it’s not because we believe we don’t deserve the best of life, it’s because we forebode joy. Joy is the most vulnerable feeling for us. When we are happy, that’s our most vulnerable time. We believe in the ‘too good to be true’ theory, not because we feel like we don’t deserve good things but because it’s our defense mechanism to the hurt and disappointments of life!
But I’m 26, I’m not dead, and I pray I won’t be for at least many years to come, but if I die, I want to be remembered as the happy go lucky girl, the girl who did not let a happy moment pass her by, the girl who lived fearlessly and loved abundantly! I can’t be a coward of life! I refuse to be a coward of life, to live afraid of everything that could possibly go wrong, but rather, to live each day like it’s my last, to get home at the end of the day and feel that I lived the hell out of that day, to love my daughter so much my heart could explode, to spend each moment I can with friends and family and most of all, BE HAPPY!
I want to be happy and grateful for every small thing in my life. I’m choosing what makes ME happy, because I want to teach those around me, to live like that!
Lastly, I think I’ve said this before…. ALLOW YOURSELVES TO FEEL! We have many different feelings that can ruin our lives, if it’s worth it, feel every bit of it, be it hurt, be it loneliness, be it happiness whatever it is, feel it and then move on… If you keep feelings bottled up, they explode inform of anger and bitterness and that mainly explains the negativity that is in this world. You know, those people who never see anything good in life, they just worry, say negative things and just go around ruining everything. Please, you don’t have to be those people. Trust me, that’s not even a way you want to live your life!
So, remember, we can’t stop death or even prevent it, so we live, be happy and stop worrying!
Happy Birthday to me!!!
Miss Thoughtful 